As a kid each night when I lying on my bed I saw beautiful play of light from car's headlights. I was mesmerized of that beauty and I thought: "This world is beautiful, I want to know everything about this world". I was looking around and beauty was everywhere in sunsets and sunrises, in raining and snowing. In the darkness of night skies, shineness stars. And it's was enough for me. Just have this one-side feeling of connection toward the universe. But at some point I noticed. Beauty doesn't last forever... Beauty of girls' faces was slowly go away. In places where I have been nature banished and instead of it ugly buildings was built. I liked to observe things and trying find out how those actually was working. When COVID pandemic started, I saw many people's deaths and suddenly it's hit me like never before: "I will die. Every moment of my living can be the last one". Even when I was joking about something I was hearing a whisper in my mind "Still can't beat death with that (jokes)" I knew that death will take away everything: my abilities to see, to hear, to think and feel. I have lost meaning of existence. There never was ultimate meaning! Pleasant feelings that I had before gone. Everything posses nothing, but meaningless. Dread make me feel that the universe is always have a perfect move that can counter my best moves. And... I tried to find meaning in another people. But I failed because I was horrified. I discovered how ignorant most of the people are! How little truth means to them, but the feeling being right. Them's willingness to bring down another's lives of anothers because they can't tolerate that someone's living better than them. And they ready for many things even give up own lifes in meaningless wars. As a kid those people taught me about the value of human lives. And I agreed because what else can be more important than that? I valued it, I truly did. But people tarnished it! Threw away like some kind piece of garbage! I can't describe how heartbreaking this experience is! And I was holding up my ambitions for those people!? People who endlessly use malevolent manipulations via values that I consider very important? When every moment of living can be the last one...".